Excuses – Our deliberate attempts to fail

Are we the real 'we' during all situations we experience in our life? If yes, why do we have grouses? If no, what makes us project ourselves as a different personality hiding the real ‘us’?

Do we really enjoy the concocted image we create about ourselves time and again to suit the demands of our environment? If no, why are we not deciding to live our life to the truest of its essence?

We come across many who are in the habit of giving excuses all the time to safeguard themselves from the damages that reality can cause? Why do they never face the reality instead of giving excuses?

Are we not creating an illusionary world around us every time we give an excuse for what we do or say?

Are not excuses just pain killers that help us mask our pain rather than ridding us of the same in a perpetual manner?

Life is full of contradictions. We tend to feel we are a confident a person and yet fear the known, unknown and every other thing. In order to safeguard the image we have created among others about the ‘confident us’, we move out of our real personality. We do things that are not really ‘us’. This is when we start talking untrue and concocted stories about ourselves. When we continue to do things that are out of our character, we feel uncertain and the feeling causes fear in us. This fear can be about anything right from failure to embarrassment. We start giving excuses proactively allowing negativity to embrace us forever.

 

We are the victim of our excuses

When we make excuses, no one is concerned with the same but only us. We generate excuses when we are unable to do something. Excuses, per se, make us witnesses to our own incapability. By giving excuses we will never be able to escape from our foes since however they will not believe them. Our friends don’t deserve to be lied. So, who are these excuses for? Are we gaining out of giving excuses or are we digging our own grave to bury ourselves soon? Is it not true that by making excuses, we are acknowledging our inefficiency? If so, instead of working on our efficiency levels, why do we decide to rust further?

  

Life makes us travel through situations offering us the choice to succeed or fail. When we succeed, we attribute many factors as reasons for the success. When we fail, we put forth the same reasons as excuses to safeguard our image and veil our inability. So what typically are reasons and excuses? Is there any difference at all between the terminologies? Let us see this through an example.

Ask a child why he scored low marks in an exam.

a) He will blame his teacher for not correcting the paper properly.

b) He will blame his school for not completing the syllabus early
c) He will blame the people who set the question paper for having asked out of syllabus 
    questions.

d)  He will blame the exam supervisor for collecting the answer sheets early.

All the above are excuses.

The only reason and the real one why he scored low marks is – he has not studied well.

This is typically the difference between a reason and an excuse.

At the far end of life…..

When you want to do something you will do it. When you do not have the will to do it, you will search for excuses. Excuses are nothing but a mask for your inability. It is the ugly face of negative thinking that hides itself behind the mask. You may feel safe hiding your weaknesses behind this mask. The constant safe feeling you enjoy behind the mask will soon make you an ‘Excuse Executive’.

At the far end of the journey when your turn back to look at the life you have lived, you will see nothing but an ocean of excuses. You would see the image of an entity which is covered with failure that its pessimistic outlook caused all through its life. The self limiting beliefs and bad judgments would have immersed the image with just one factor called Failure.

Avoid being an ‘Excuse Executive’

Stop blaming lack of money or time for your failure. Stop attributing your age and ignorance for your lagging behind. Get out of the self limiting beliefs that chain you all through your life. Pull yourself out of the fears that failure, responsibility, embarrassment, mistakes, change and uncertainty cause in you.

When we foster fear, we remain entrapped in our comfort zone. Don’t keep searching for inspiration externally since the search may soon make you feel exhausted. Everything that is outside is very much inside you. Remember, excuses drown you and excellence makes you taste success. Being an ‘Excuse Executive’ or a ‘matter of excellence’ is up to you. You choose to be who you are.

Mistakes…. Mistakes… and Mistakes

Is it not true that we have learnt the best lessons of our life through the worst mistakes we committed?

How many times have we apologized to someone whom we thought is imperfect? Were we right in thinking so?

Have there not been situations in our life when we committed mistakes and refused to accept the same (till now)?

Are not mistakes proofs for the fact that we are really trying hard to evolve?

Life is full of questions and most of them hover around others. As humans, we consider our mistakes as valuable experiences. When it comes to others, we attribute their inexperience as the reasons for their mistakes. Why is it that we are absolutely comfortable finding mistakes in others but refuse to accept the ones we commit? If this is what we are good at, does it have something to do with our own character or others’?

Don’t criticize what you can’t understand

Some of us are in the habit of finding fault with others all round the clock. Irrespective of the place we are in, we are continuously on the lookout for mistakes others commit. We keep criticizing whatever others do using our own judgment. The internal garbage we carry inside us disallows us to enjoy the fragrance emitted by others. When we tend to be opinionated we remain least informed. This makes us an object of mockery and our criticisms reach the gutters.

It is human tendency to get into an insecurity mode when we do not understand something. We feel unsafe due to lack of information. The person on the other side becomes our threat since we fail to understand something about them. We look at everything the person does with suspicion. Deep inside, the green eyed monster in each one of us tries to compare our ‘self’ and situations with that of the other person. When the person concerned is a step above us, we tend to attribute their vices for who they are today. When the person concerned is a step below us, we tend to attribute their weaknesses for who they are today. Ironically, both these judgments we make are only our perceptions and need not be the reality. Such perceptions that we create in a secret manner inside us gives us the satisfaction that we know everything about the person whom we are commenting about. We experience the feeling of safety such self caused perceptions offer.

Till we stop criticizing what we really can’t understand, we continue to talk ill of others. We keep finding mistakes in others not realizing what we are doing is a mistake by itself. 

Don’t judge anyone’s story by the chapter you walked in

All of us live our own life from the time we are born till the time we die. No one else knows everything about us. Many internal things we feel or experience is known only to us in the truest sense of the same. When we die, not only our physical body but those secrets that only we knew will perish with us. These secrets may be something to do with the crush we had on someone. These secrets may be related to our health or financial issues that we did not want to share with anyone. The secrets we tend to hide may be related to the mistakes we committed intentionally to satisfy the green eyed monster in us. These secrets may pertain to the mistakes we committed unintentionally but hidden from the public eyes to safeguard our image.

Irrespective of their nature and causes, secrets are secrets. If we accept the above, then the irony is it is the same with others too. Others live their own life and have secrets to hide. Others commit mistakes intentionally and unintentionally. Others experience pains and wounds silently not wanting to confide in any of us. If we have the right to do all the above, so do others.

Life is nothing but a book of reality. Each chapter we experience is different from that of others. Every chapter is unique adorned by people who are different in every way. We live every chapter of our life experiencing the same in all its originality. Not all whom we consider close are present in all chapters of our life. Not all of us can be present in all chapters of everyone’s life. All of us play a role in each other’s life only in select chapters. In which case, is it fair on our part to judge someone based on the chapter we walked in? If we come to a conclusion about them by means of generalization or a past experience, are we labeling them or ourselves?

Change your ‘self’. You can’t change the scene

Every person has a story to say. Every human being is the hero of his own story. No human being in this planet experiences what you are going through. You can’t experience everything that others around you do. When we hear other people criticizing us, we feel angry that they don’t know what we have experienced in life which has made us do what we did today. Is it not the same with others too? Understand that they too have paid the price all through their life to reach the destination they are in today. 

Criticizing is one of the best entertainments that humans enjoy in a seamless manner. Human mind enjoys listening to gossip. Humans love to backbite. When we gossip and back bite we still remain humans but with an inhumane approach.

Every human being is fighting his own battles in life. It is improper to criticize someone with the very limited knowledge we have about them or the situations they are in. Remember, we criticize someone because they are doing something. In the same wavelength, we criticize someone because we have nothing else to do.

Creating something that others criticize is better than criticizing others who are involved in creating something. The former helps us to evolve. The latter pushes us into the gutter. It is our choice to evolve, learning from our mistakes or to remain immersed in the gutter blaming others.

Evolve or Dissolve...It's your choice

How many times in life have we done things that we despise to do and resented later?

How many times have we silenced ourselves just listening to people expressing a totally opposed opinion from that of ours?

How many times have we forced ourselves to remain in an environment that made us feel we were standing on thorns?

How many times have we felt inferior due to the feeling that everyone around us looked better than us?

How many times have we restricted ourselves from expressing our opinions as raw as we felt for the fear of being looked down upon as an eccentric?

How many times have we felt like a fish out of water imagining that people around us are more knowledgeable than us?

If we have done some or all of the above in the past, let the same get buried there. We did it due to the basic human need to be liked and appreciated by others. We have, throughout our life shuttled between being our self and living to satisfy others. Whenever the latter weighed over the former, we lost our authenticity somewhere midway. Thriving when we are in the company of others and trying to be independent at the same time make us lose our balance. To avoid becoming an outcast, we kept rushing towards rugged cliffs as one in the herd.

We age through stages

Life has never remained constant from the time we were born. We have evolved involuntarily through the many happenings in life to reach the destination we are in today. We have not traveled this distance empty handed but carried loads of lessons. Every stage of life has taught us lessons that differ in intensity and nature. Painful happenings in life have succeeded in teaching us lessons in a more emphatic manner than the ones in the light weight category. While learning lessons from the hardships of others is prudence, some of us make it a point to learn it through the hard way personally experiencing the same.

We age through every stage of life. No stage has ever failed to pamper us or throw problems on us that are appropriate for the stage. The older we get, the more do we realize the importance of privacy. We prefer to cultivate our own circle of people carefully selecting them applying many filters. We open up confidently without bothering about the opinion of others much opposed to what we did during the earlier stages of life. Ageing gives us the maturity not to change our ‘self’ just for others to like us. Ageing gives us the confidence to be our ‘self’ since we have learnt that the right people will love us in the right way when we remain so.

Every opinion now accepted was once considered eccentric

Do not fear to be yourself. Being who we are and saying what we feel demands courage. You were born to be you. You were created to live your life not others’. Your image is what you decide to be the one and not what others understand it to be. Do not compare yourself with others. Yes. It is a fact that you are not as good as they are and they have strengths that you do not possess. Another astonishing fact is that they are not as good as you are and they lack strengths that you possess. So, in which way are you inferior or others superior? Voice out what you feel confidently even if people call you an eccentric. Every opinion now accepted as a brilliant one was termed eccentric earlier.

You are a unique creation. No one else in this world has all that you have. It is up to you to admire or loathe your image when you stand in front of the mirror. Love your image that you see in the mirror because that is basically who you are. What you see in yourself must make or break you rather than what others fail to see in you. What holds us back many a times is not actually our incapability but the thought that we are incapable. Doubting our worth helps us to get into the grave quicker than we deserve.

Evolve or dissolve

Look around you. Everything in this Universe is bound to change. Is there anything that has not changed and remained constant since your childhood? We are being alive just to evolve as the person we actually have to be. Change is unbearably painful most of the times. However, change is the key for us to evolve. Life continuously offers us opportunities to learn and evolve. The tougher the life situations, the stronger we become to handle the same. We evolve.

If you believe that you can crawl then the only thing that you will be good at all through your life is crawling. When you refuse to be the person you were earlier and decide to progress, you are communicating to your future that you are ready. Change may appear scary but to stagnate will make us stink. Just because people call us an ugly human being does not really make us one. We can still be a cute looking lovable monkey that creates a cheerful environment all around if we consider ourselves one.

Remember, all species that have survived testing times were not intelligent, strong or beautiful. Only those species that responded to change in a positive manner survived the storms of time. Outgrow that which does not nourish you anymore. Outreach to grab all that adds value to you. Keep growing. Continue to evolve. You have only two choices in life – Evolve or dissolve.

Being selfish.... Why are we afraid?

Answer these questions first with complete honesty. The answer for each question may be different or the same.  

Who is that single person in life to whom you want to say ‘Sorry’ for something you had done or probably not done?

Who is that soul to whom you want to say ’Thank you’ for all the good that they have done to you till date?

Who is the person whom you like the most in life? Why?

Who is that human being who has acted as your main source of inspiration whenever you were in deep waters?

Who is that one acquaintance who made you realize that he or she is your ‘alter ego’ - in the perfect sense of the word?

Who is that one friend who has been with you throughout the up and downs of your life?

Who is the person whose attitude has astonished you wanting you to develop the same in yourself?

The threatening reality

The world around us is constantly trying to mould us into a different personality every passing moment. We keep moving wildly between two extremities like a pendulum that remains unsettled most of the times. We believe in certain basic values and have them fixed as our principles for our life. We feel happy when situations permit us to abide by the same and feel lost when we are disallowed to stand by our principles. Life forces many things on us that we do not really relish. We carry them on our shoulders just because that is the way they have been handled in the past.

We remain confined throughout our life to systems incorporated by other individuals, silently experiencing the imprisonment with all bitterness. When we try to pull ourselves from such confinement, we are termed non-adhering to the virtues set by the ‘individualistic others’. The fear of being termed as an ‘ardent follower of vices’ forces us to blindly accept certain things depriving us of the guts to question the same. At the end of the day, when we turn back to look behind, we feel flabbergasted at the sight of many faces in our life. The only face that seems to be missing is our own one.

The Sad truth - Lost individuality

Is it not true that many among us live a life defined by others, compromising on the terms we want to live our life on?

Are we really thinking our own thoughts or just keep munching others’ opinions forced on us?

When was the last that you sat quietly in a place admiring your own strengths that has traveled with you throughout your life journey till then?

Are we really enjoying the absolute freedom that ‘individuality’ offers?

Is it not true that we feel afraid to emphatically say “I want to be this” for the fear of becoming an outcast or termed as ‘selfish’?

Is being ‘self’ish a sin?

When we are questioned who ‘we’ are, ‘we’ tell a single syllable which is but our name. ‘We’ have never ever informed the names of all those who are around us when our name was asked. This is a pointer to the fact that ‘we’ are actually ‘individuals’. ‘We’ eat for our hunger not others’. ‘We’ sleep when our physical and mental body wants to be cut off from the routine – not others’. ‘We’ breathe when ‘we’ want to continue living – not others. When ‘we’ die, we get buried or burnt – not others. 

When it all starts with us, the word ‘we’ that is pluralistic in nature takes a singular tone. Is this not a pointer that we have everything inside us – in fact more than what is found externally around us? Do we focus so much into our internal world as much as we do on the external one? If we say we do focus, we will be termed as ‘selfish’? If we don’t focus internally on ourselves, we are disrespecting our self that has more than what is external to us. Is that right?

Now, think honestly. How many times did you tell your own name while answering the eight questions at the beginning of this blog? If it was your name for all the eight questions, you are living a life that is highly gratifying. You are astonishingly matured. If you have filled the answer sheet with the names of others, does it mean that you are highly selfless or does it reflect your lack of individuality?

Respect ‘Self’ – It is not wrong to be ‘self’ish

Your ‘self’ began when the journey of your life began. Your ‘self’ has traveled with you during all the ups and downs you have faced in life. Your ‘self’ has compromised many things in life for making others around you happy. Your ‘self’ has striven hard to cope with the pressures of life whenever it had to sacrifice its values and principles to foster relationships. Your ‘self’ has suffered when its love went unacknowledged by people who were ‘self’centric in nature.

If being ‘selfish’ is unacceptable, then why do religions and modern fields like Psychology insist on terminologies like ‘self’ awareness, ‘self’ control, ‘self’ analysis, ‘self development’, ‘self’ seeking, 'self' evaluation, 'self‘ achievement, 'self' awakening, self’ esteem, ‘self’ respect, ‘self criticism’ ‘self’ judgment’, ‘self’ denial, ‘self’ introspection, ‘self’ approval, ‘self’ satisfaction, self loving and many more?

Being ‘self’ish is good as long as the same does not cause any harm to others. If others feel that your focus in your ‘self’ development is harming them, they have to find out ways to get rid of the same. If spending time for others is termed as selflessness, is it not ‘self’ denial when you fail to spend as much time pampering your own mental attributes? Can anyone offer service to the needy mankind when their soul is still searching for the individuality they have lost during their journey? If the terminology ‘peaceful co-existence’ is applicable only to our external world, how will the internal conflict we experience allow us to peacefully co-exist?

You are important. Celebrate your ‘self’

There is no power in this world that is not present in your inner ‘self’. Taking care of ‘self’ is in no way ‘self’ish since the creator created you for being your ‘self’. When people term that you are selfish, think if they require anything from you that they are not getting. If they are terming you selfish because their expectations from you did not materialize, are they being selfish or is it you? It is good to keep others alive as long as you don’t kill yourself for the same. Don’t allow your ‘self’lessness create a ‘self’ destroyer in you.

Think. You are important. Celebrate your individuality. Remember, there is no another ‘you’ in this world. Understand your positives, strengths, capabilities and achievements by allocating enough time to ponder into your ‘self. You can experience inner peace only when you hand shake with your ‘self’. When you let your ‘self’ down, you are allowing your esteem and respect to drain down the gutter. How can you respect others when you don’t know to respect your ‘self’? 

When you take good care of your 'self', the sacrifices and compromises you do doesn't weigh too much on your mental health. Your subconscious remains in a healthy state restraining itself from causing rifts and fights between people every now and then quoting your sacrifices. 

Your ‘self’ is the handbrake for life. Living a life disrespecting your 'self' is like driving through the same without releasing the handbrake. 

Don't hold grudges - Make them irrelevant

Holding grudges against people and forgiving the ones who caused the damage are both equally tough. We grew up hearing people say forgiving those who wronged us is godliness.

Why is that holding grudges come to us so naturally despite the fact that they damage us in many ways?

Why are we finding it difficult to forgive people despite such forgiveness helping us shed the load off our mind?

What makes us harp on grudges remembering facts in a precise manner despite having a low memory otherwise?

If forgiving is so tough, is there any alternative available so we can live the peaceful life we deserve?

Is forgiving mandatory and does it have any connection with self respect?

If you are right in your judgment about their wrong doings in the past, is it not a perfect reason for you to live your present life to its fullest?

If you feel that the mistakes and wrongdoings are not on your part, is it not logical that those who did it must be left back in the past and not you?

Grudges are memoirs of the poisonous past

Grudges, in reality, are nothing but the resentful memories we carry from our disagreeable past. The irony however is that we have already lived that ‘past’ experiencing the bitterness that has numbed our taste buds for life. Grudges which are but the impact that the past bitterness(es) have caused in our mind, alters our thought process to devastating levels.  We humans are ruled by thoughts that originate from our mind. This makes grudges occupy a major portion of our personality in an easy and involuntary manner.

Grudges have the capacity to haunt us more than even the evil spirits do. Warding off evil spirits is easier than getting rid of grudges though both are internal. Living in the past makes you an exception in a negative way since every successful person around you have already traveled away from their past to live their current life happily. Consciously awaken yourself for a few moments and just look around yourself. You will realize to your shock that even those who created the pain to you have walked past you, leaving you to struggle in the past.

Understand that when you love someone with all your heart, forgiving is a child’s play. When you find it difficult to forgive someone, probably you were either overly possessive or the relationship did not matter to you at all. When you are overly possessive about someone, your inner self believes them so much that the slightest of letting down hurts you deeply. You find it difficult to forgive them. When the relationship did not matter to you, their mistake causes anger in you making it difficult for you to forgive them. Either way, possessiveness that fosters positive relationship and anger that cultivates negative relationships stay back in our mind permanently in the form of Grudges.

Forgiving – Child’s play or Herculean task

Forgiving becomes a child’s play when we sincerely want someone in our life till we live. These are the relationships that we are overly possessive about. When we forgive someone, it does not remain an action from our side after something is over. It displays our attitude to the ones we love reinforcing our sincerity towards their relationship. Here, forgiving acts as a tool to strengthen relationships that are significant for us with those who consider us important.

There are other relationships which we find difficult to forgive. Do not force yourself to forgive such relationships for two reasons. One, how much ever you try, you will never succeed in forgiving such relationships completely. Second, even if you convince yourself that you have forgiven them for what they did in the past, it is falsity. That has not happened. You despised such relationships carrying grudges about them for a reason that is strongly etched in your subconscious. Yes it is true that it requires enormous strength to forgive those who wronged you. However, do not go out of the way and hurt yourself in the process. Forgive if you can. Else move away to a safe distance from the grudges and the people who caused the same.

Do not pick up phone calls from your past

Avoid attending phone calls you receive from your past. Refuse to allow the shadows of your past ruin the light at your doorstep. If someone has pulled you down in the past so much that you are unable to forgive them, respect your feelings. Let them remain only in your past and not in your present or future. Move away from such people making them irrelevant to your life. 

Do not allow yourself to stay back in the past for the mistake of others. Make yourself comfortable with your present so your future is completely under your control. Grudges, in reality, make us waste precious moments of our present life. Pull yourself out of the anger and frustration your grudges have created in your mind. Push your grudges out into the milky-way by making the people who caused the same irrelevant. Unless you make them irrelevant you will remain only a second choice for yourself.