Relationships - It is so hard to leave… until you leave

Is it not true that we hesitate to get out of many relationships for one reason or the other all throughout our life?

How many times have we looked beyond a pain causing relationship believing that there is brighter life post breakage? 

Is it not true that prolonged association with wrong relationships makes us feel pessimistic about the world around?

What stops us from severing such relationships that lack passion, trust, respect and honesty? Why do we continue to hang on with them harming ourselves?

The illusion of relationships

We come across so many kinds of relationships in our day to day life that we hardly take a break to understand the nuances involved in each of them. The marathon of life is so fast and exhausting that we fail to realize the true color of relationships in reality. We dread losing a relationship for the fear of losing something invaluable and unknown. This inherent fear blinds us from seeing the real relationships we are actually dealing with.

Given a situation, we feel sad or hurt or belittled in relationships. We cross the situation hiding the real pain, experiencing different kinds of fears and anxiety. Sometimes, we overestimate the personality on the other side and silence ourselves feeling inferior to them on a comparative scale. Our own assumptions about people and situations make us believe that which is not true in reality.

Lack of understanding of truth involved in situations makes us vulnerable to hurt and despair. We live in an illusionary world in certain relationships which hides truth from us in an intentional manner. Such relationships act so naturally to us that we tend to believe the “false self” they exhibit as the true one at all points of time. It takes a very long time and apt situation(s) for us to realize the illusion involved in such relationships. By the time we realize their true texture, the long distances we have traveled together paves way for the 'so-called' sentiments. 

Memories keep haunting us, disallowing us to severe their relationship, questioning our own self about the validity of the decision. This distances us from our decision to severe dishonest relationships. We remain chained to unworthy relationships sharing our life with the chaos and trauma they cause. We feel perplexed and cornered by the fear of unknown losses that we may incur post breakage with such relationships.

At the end of the day, it is what it is

It is not that we do not realize the falsity in relationships at all points of time. Many times, we do realize the lack of passion, trust, respect and honesty in relationships. Still, attributing one reason or the other, we hesitate to get out of such relationships all through our life time. We dread to look beyond the pain causing relationships disallowing an entry for ourselves into the brighter side of life.  

We suffer pain and distress caused by dishonest relationships, allowing them to intrude in our life for long periods of time. Ultimately, we stand modified into a totally different personality from what we were basically. This change against our basic personality causes internal conflicts within us making life more miserable to handle with passage of time.

Be honest to me or stay away

Is it not true that relationships built on trust do not need any pampering efforts to foster the same? What stops us from saying "Be honest to me or just stay away from me"

Honesty and trust are two factors which act as the basis of any relationship. When people don’t trust you they are dishonest to you. This lack of trust fosters such high levels of dishonesty and falsity in the relationship that the basic foundation gets shaken up. Remaining struck in a relationship whose foundation is weak continues to cause more and more damage to all aspects of life.

Get out of dishonest untruthful false opportunistic relationships in a confident manner.That is not the end of the road.

Breaking away from such relationships is indeed an opening to a better path which is waiting to be ventured. Believe that it will pave way for a new beginning. It will, for sure. 

It is always better to get away from toxic relationships than staying in and harming yourself. You are important, precious and unique. Don’t allow falsity to make you lose your originality.

You buy peace of mind when you let go off the unwanted false relationships. You enjoy optimal levels of physical health through enhanced emotional balance and mental stature.

You will find more time to spend on positive honest relationships that has remained away from you for no valid reason

Believe that hell will not fall on your head when you discontinue an untruthful relationship. Learn fear management. Think if what you will be losing by severing the relationship will cost you your life. Think in a realistic manner disallowing your earlier hesitation and inhibitions to rule your mind. Understand, that which does not cost you your life does not mean anything to you.

Get out of the clutches of fantasy that illusionary relationships create so you can enjoy the ultimate liberation it offers from falsity. 

It is true that separation daunts. However, it is important that we get rid of the 'abandoners' and back stabbers that make our life miserable. 

Unloading false relationships from our life will help us experience contentment, relief, serenity and peace. These are the wonderful feelings that had remained foreign to us till we were chained to such false relationships.

Remember, any relationship that treats you as a foot-mat deserves to be out of your door steps.

Anger and Tears – The strong relationship

How many among us have hated that moment when, all of a sudden, our anger turned into tears? 

Have we not cried to communicate our anger as infants?

Is it not better to cry than holding anger back within ourselves which can cause a volcanic outburst soon?

When we are angry on someone, is it not logical for them to cry hearing our words rather than we crying scolding them?

Is crying a sign of weakness or strength?

What is that queer relationship between anger and tears?

Anger and Tears – The basic relationship

Our interpretations and assessments about others or given situations make us feel emotional. We humans have baseless fears explicitly or in a secretive manner. Such fears surfaces when we ‘feel’ something or someone is a threat to us. We try to defend ourselves as a protective measure and end up shedding tears feeling sorry for our own plight. We shed tears mostly because we strongly feel that we don’t deserve a particular word or treatment.

Anger, in reality, is not an original emotion. We become angry whenever we experience some sort of pain. We become angry when the pain we experience is felt by our inner self in a deep manner. The normal thoughts, then, becomes anger triggering ones while the pain we experience brings out tears on its behalf. 

Anger is an alternate emotion

Most of the times, when we feel angry, it is not really anger that takes over us. This is what we mean when we say ‘anger is an alternate emotion’. Let us see how.

We feel angry so we do not experience the pain that triggers the anger. We find it easy to handle anger since it is to do with others. We feel it is necessary to protect ourselves from experiencing the pain – since it is to do with our own selves. Anger here is a substitute for pain.

Being angry is an excellent strategy to distract oneself from the trigger that causes anger. For instance, when we experience pain, we simply plough into the same for a long period of time. However, when we become angry on others, we tend to get out of the clutches of pain. This is predominantly a focus shift from self to others. Anger here is a substitute for focus or attention.

Pain is caused due to some realistic situation that hurts. Pain is caused when you are frightened about a situation that makes you feel extremely vulnerable. Anger acts as smoke screen for people who feel vulnerable or threatened due to realistic situations. Being angry temporarily rids us of the reality, which makes us feel relieved and safe. Anger here is a substitute for vulnerability.

When we are angry about someone or something, it gives us a feeling of righteousness, even if what we feel is incorrect actually. Being angry makes our ‘self’ feel powerful and superior over the other. Anger makes us feel that the other person who has hurt is wrong (without an iota of doubt) and so they deserve to be punished. Anger here is a substitute for the feeling of guilt

This is why we say, anger, in reality, is not an original emotion.

Tears have volume (sound)

How many of us know that tears have volume? To understand this, we need to understand how really tears are produced.

Tear production – The physical process

Lacrimal Gland is where the tear is usually produced

This gland is situated in between the eye lid and eyeball causing a water film in the eyes when tear is produced

When we blink with tears on the surface of the eyes, the tears get out in two ways

(1) Rolling on our cheeks - externally

(2) Through Lactrimal Punctum inside the nose - internally

When water in the eyes gets out through the second way (Lacrimal Punctum), it comes out of the nose. This is why water oozes out of our nose when we cry.

The Hypothalamus in the Limbic system in the brain links our emotions to this ‘natural inbuilt shower’ called tears, which are caused by the Lacrimal Drainage System.

During this process, breathing undergoes variation causing sobs from the throat termed as ‘Globus sensation’.

The ‘Lacrimal Drainage System’ responds to the ‘sobbing’ sound, producing more tears as an equal and powerful reaction. This way, Sobbing is the actual volume (sound) of tears. 

Tears are actually beneficial

Crying offers many benefits to us. Many of us use it as a weapon to get things done in our favor – to our liking. Jokes apart, tears are produced for various reasons like physical pain, stress, sadness, anger or pleasure.

The field of Psychology terms tears that act as a natural painkiller as ‘Psychic Tears’.

‘Leucine Enkephalin’ is the technical term used to point out the ‘relieved feeling’ we experience after crying every time. In simple terms, it is a pointer as to why we feel better after crying.

Tears - strength or weakness

For many, crying means weakness. Is that really so?

**** Tears are, in reality, positive reinforcement of who we actually are

**** Tears exhibit the honest deep attachments we have with things and people

**** Tears are ‘psychology changers’ – from negative to positive

When you cry in a situation in which you need to be angry, it means you feel so profoundly deep about the person concerned or the situation you are in. Tears actually come from your heart and so are filled with sincerity. Tears are wipers that help you see the world in front of you with higher levels of clarity. Allow yourself to cry probably you have been too strong for very long.

Crying when you are angry is a natural phenomenon. Don’t feel you are weak when you do so. However, if you feel that makes others look down upon you as a weakling, learn ‘tear controlling’ techniques. Talk to your ‘self’ that you will not cry at any cost. At the same time, talk only what you need to talk before you reach the probable ‘bursting out’ time frame.

Exercising control on crying as well as in the words you speak when you are angry, will drive your point through to the other person in an emphatic manner - without hurting them in any way. 

Remember, tears cleanses the heart easily more than anything else. Cry to your heart’s content, till the tears bring that ‘signature smile’ of yours to your face.

When you fear criticism… you fear progress

Why is it that we keep talking one thing or the other about people connected 
and not connected to us?

Is it right to ignore people who say our food needs salt when they do not know to cook?

Is there anything we can do to keep away from criticisms at all points of time? If yes, what is that?

Is every critic really a hater?

Is it wise to get ruined by flattery than get safeguarded by criticism?

Criticism and negativity have become invincible parts of our life. Still, have we ever paused to ponder over the above questions so our life can get better even with negative characters around us? Such questions can also be an eye opener for us, if we are an unproductive criticizer ourselves.

Criticism – The different types

Criticism means belittling. Most criticisms we face in life falls in this category. We tend to criticize even things that are really good mainly because our focus is on the source that generated the idea. If the source is something that we despise, we criticize even the most brilliant idea generated. In this case, it is not the idea our criticism is all about. It is simply our undaunted focus in belittling the person concerned. Probably a chance we were waiting for long. It is during such times that we forget - to belittle others, we need to be that little.

The next category of criticism is to blame others for nothing really big. Such criticisms start on a very low key like mockery and cracking silly jokes. As time passes, the resentment increases spiraling the relationship in a downward movement. The person who criticizes gets the satisfaction of having an upper hand and underestimates the power of the person being criticized. Such criticisms are mostly baseless and are made more so due to impressions formed in their minds through hear say. On the other hand, the person who gets criticized starts feeling the heat over a period of time. This develops a sense of frustration breaking the relationship permanently forever.

The third category of criticism is nothing but adamance. People who fall in this category have no ambiguities regarding their way of thinking, working, talking. They are absolutely convinced that things need to be done only in a particular fashion and they follow the same. Such criticizers consider themselves as well informed and continue doing what they have been doing for years without revisions. Criticizers in this category close their eyes to reality, refusing to update themselves to the current trends and changing scenarios. All those who do not adhere to their outdated rules are considered as outcasts and criticized for their approach. This in turn irritates prudent people who feel they are keeping up with the realistic pace. The relationship falls apart.

The fourth category of criticism is mostly based on derailing the otherwise perfect tracks. Such criticisms, again, are solely focused in spoiling an existing system that actually makes the criticizer feel awe struck. They keep playing the blame game through every interaction of theirs, being taken over by the green eyed monster that resides deep within them. In reality, such criticizers do not provide any value adding criticisms but constantly play blame games.

Are criticisms really criticisms?

Not all criticisms are real criticisms. However, it solely depends on where it originates from. Someone who is good in men and matters judgment can easily identify the difference between mere blames and constructive criticisms. Constructive criticisms are very close to value adding feedback, which pave way for improvement and real development. When we approach criticism with an open mind, we develop. Fear for criticism is basically a fear for progression.

Irrespective of whether criticisms paves way for development or just remain blame games, the general human tendancy is to react instantaneously on hearing someone say something. When we understand what criticism is all about in simple terms, the next time someone criticizes us, we will learn to bifurcate their intention in a clearer manner. Any criticism has two elements which basically humans hate. Let us look at these two elements from the criticizer’s point of view and the mental attributes of the criticized.

When criticism happens….

The criticizer expects the other person to submit or give up

The criticized displays the general tendency and resists submission

The criticizer’s intention is to demean or devalue the criticized

The criticized despises to be devalued

Criticism - The psychological perspective

Looking at the points given above, one thing is clear. The criticizer is constantly suffering from a feeling of insecurity which makes him feel better when someone submits to him. When the other person submits to the criticizer, it fosters this attitude further in him and he tends to develop criticism as a habit.

People who criticize others in a constant manner mostly might have suffered rejection during their childhood. They might have grown in a lonely environment which made them suppress their negative feelings inside them. As they grow up, such suppression tend to form as frustrations and they start spitting out the same on every passerby. People who have experienced criticisms or corrections in a constant manner during their childhood, however soft-pedaled they are, have very low self worth. This creates a sense of insecurity in them. Instead of feeling stronger experiencing many hardships in life, such people start seeking solace in making others feel weak.

 

Many among us criticize others mainly due to our feeling of being disrespected or neglected by someone whom we expected to behave otherwise. The basic reason for such criticisms is more so our expectations from them and not really their fault that our criticisms actually portray.

One main problem with negative people is that they mostly criticize without understand things inside out. Just because they are used to talking they continue to do what they are good at. Many times, boredom fosters criticism. After all, an idle mind is a devil’s workshop.

Criticism in a nut shell - Are we doing this?

When we talk about something, it is feedback. When others talk, they are 

critical

When we feel strong about something, we are firm. When others feel the 

same way, they are stubborn

When we adjust to situations and people, we are being flexible. When others 

behave that way they are wishy-washy

When we yell over something, we are emotional. When others do, they are 

hysterical.

Remember, not all whom we despise are really bad and all that they say are wrong. Many a time, our opinion about the other person distorts our vision, making their value adding feedback a valueless one. On the contrary, if we come across people whose veins transports criticism instead of blood, it is better for us to remain at an arm’s length. The lesser our response is to argumentative, critical and rude people, the more are the chances for us to experience peace in life.

When we learn to ignore destructive criticism we foster the habit of constructive criticism in us. Our critics remain critics all through their life making us master the habit of moving forward acting on our goals. Pity those destructive critics who know the route to their destination but depends on others to drive their car.

The best way to handle criticism is

    **** Disregard when it is untrue

          **** Move away when it is unfair

          **** Smile when it is out of ignorance

          **** Learn if it is justified

Remember, when we remain a zero no one criticizes us. Criticisms are like ECG reports. Waves in the ECG report indicate that we are still alive. Criticisms indicate that we are moving in the right direction.

Excuses – Our deliberate attempts to fail

Are we the real 'we' during all situations we experience in our life? If yes, why do we have grouses? If no, what makes us project ourselves as a different personality hiding the real ‘us’?

Do we really enjoy the concocted image we create about ourselves time and again to suit the demands of our environment? If no, why are we not deciding to live our life to the truest of its essence?

We come across many who are in the habit of giving excuses all the time to safeguard themselves from the damages that reality can cause? Why do they never face the reality instead of giving excuses?

Are we not creating an illusionary world around us every time we give an excuse for what we do or say?

Are not excuses just pain killers that help us mask our pain rather than ridding us of the same in a perpetual manner?

Life is full of contradictions. We tend to feel we are a confident a person and yet fear the known, unknown and every other thing. In order to safeguard the image we have created among others about the ‘confident us’, we move out of our real personality. We do things that are not really ‘us’. This is when we start talking untrue and concocted stories about ourselves. When we continue to do things that are out of our character, we feel uncertain and the feeling causes fear in us. This fear can be about anything right from failure to embarrassment. We start giving excuses proactively allowing negativity to embrace us forever.

 

We are the victim of our excuses

When we make excuses, no one is concerned with the same but only us. We generate excuses when we are unable to do something. Excuses, per se, make us witnesses to our own incapability. By giving excuses we will never be able to escape from our foes since however they will not believe them. Our friends don’t deserve to be lied. So, who are these excuses for? Are we gaining out of giving excuses or are we digging our own grave to bury ourselves soon? Is it not true that by making excuses, we are acknowledging our inefficiency? If so, instead of working on our efficiency levels, why do we decide to rust further?

  

Life makes us travel through situations offering us the choice to succeed or fail. When we succeed, we attribute many factors as reasons for the success. When we fail, we put forth the same reasons as excuses to safeguard our image and veil our inability. So what typically are reasons and excuses? Is there any difference at all between the terminologies? Let us see this through an example.

Ask a child why he scored low marks in an exam.

a) He will blame his teacher for not correcting the paper properly.

b) He will blame his school for not completing the syllabus early
c) He will blame the people who set the question paper for having asked out of syllabus 
    questions.

d)  He will blame the exam supervisor for collecting the answer sheets early.

All the above are excuses.

The only reason and the real one why he scored low marks is – he has not studied well.

This is typically the difference between a reason and an excuse.

At the far end of life…..

When you want to do something you will do it. When you do not have the will to do it, you will search for excuses. Excuses are nothing but a mask for your inability. It is the ugly face of negative thinking that hides itself behind the mask. You may feel safe hiding your weaknesses behind this mask. The constant safe feeling you enjoy behind the mask will soon make you an ‘Excuse Executive’.

At the far end of the journey when your turn back to look at the life you have lived, you will see nothing but an ocean of excuses. You would see the image of an entity which is covered with failure that its pessimistic outlook caused all through its life. The self limiting beliefs and bad judgments would have immersed the image with just one factor called Failure.

Avoid being an ‘Excuse Executive’

Stop blaming lack of money or time for your failure. Stop attributing your age and ignorance for your lagging behind. Get out of the self limiting beliefs that chain you all through your life. Pull yourself out of the fears that failure, responsibility, embarrassment, mistakes, change and uncertainty cause in you.

When we foster fear, we remain entrapped in our comfort zone. Don’t keep searching for inspiration externally since the search may soon make you feel exhausted. Everything that is outside is very much inside you. Remember, excuses drown you and excellence makes you taste success. Being an ‘Excuse Executive’ or a ‘matter of excellence’ is up to you. You choose to be who you are.

Mistakes…. Mistakes… and Mistakes

Is it not true that we have learnt the best lessons of our life through the worst mistakes we committed?

How many times have we apologized to someone whom we thought is imperfect? Were we right in thinking so?

Have there not been situations in our life when we committed mistakes and refused to accept the same (till now)?

Are not mistakes proofs for the fact that we are really trying hard to evolve?

Life is full of questions and most of them hover around others. As humans, we consider our mistakes as valuable experiences. When it comes to others, we attribute their inexperience as the reasons for their mistakes. Why is it that we are absolutely comfortable finding mistakes in others but refuse to accept the ones we commit? If this is what we are good at, does it have something to do with our own character or others’?

Don’t criticize what you can’t understand

Some of us are in the habit of finding fault with others all round the clock. Irrespective of the place we are in, we are continuously on the lookout for mistakes others commit. We keep criticizing whatever others do using our own judgment. The internal garbage we carry inside us disallows us to enjoy the fragrance emitted by others. When we tend to be opinionated we remain least informed. This makes us an object of mockery and our criticisms reach the gutters.

It is human tendency to get into an insecurity mode when we do not understand something. We feel unsafe due to lack of information. The person on the other side becomes our threat since we fail to understand something about them. We look at everything the person does with suspicion. Deep inside, the green eyed monster in each one of us tries to compare our ‘self’ and situations with that of the other person. When the person concerned is a step above us, we tend to attribute their vices for who they are today. When the person concerned is a step below us, we tend to attribute their weaknesses for who they are today. Ironically, both these judgments we make are only our perceptions and need not be the reality. Such perceptions that we create in a secret manner inside us gives us the satisfaction that we know everything about the person whom we are commenting about. We experience the feeling of safety such self caused perceptions offer.

Till we stop criticizing what we really can’t understand, we continue to talk ill of others. We keep finding mistakes in others not realizing what we are doing is a mistake by itself. 

Don’t judge anyone’s story by the chapter you walked in

All of us live our own life from the time we are born till the time we die. No one else knows everything about us. Many internal things we feel or experience is known only to us in the truest sense of the same. When we die, not only our physical body but those secrets that only we knew will perish with us. These secrets may be something to do with the crush we had on someone. These secrets may be related to our health or financial issues that we did not want to share with anyone. The secrets we tend to hide may be related to the mistakes we committed intentionally to satisfy the green eyed monster in us. These secrets may pertain to the mistakes we committed unintentionally but hidden from the public eyes to safeguard our image.

Irrespective of their nature and causes, secrets are secrets. If we accept the above, then the irony is it is the same with others too. Others live their own life and have secrets to hide. Others commit mistakes intentionally and unintentionally. Others experience pains and wounds silently not wanting to confide in any of us. If we have the right to do all the above, so do others.

Life is nothing but a book of reality. Each chapter we experience is different from that of others. Every chapter is unique adorned by people who are different in every way. We live every chapter of our life experiencing the same in all its originality. Not all whom we consider close are present in all chapters of our life. Not all of us can be present in all chapters of everyone’s life. All of us play a role in each other’s life only in select chapters. In which case, is it fair on our part to judge someone based on the chapter we walked in? If we come to a conclusion about them by means of generalization or a past experience, are we labeling them or ourselves?

Change your ‘self’. You can’t change the scene

Every person has a story to say. Every human being is the hero of his own story. No human being in this planet experiences what you are going through. You can’t experience everything that others around you do. When we hear other people criticizing us, we feel angry that they don’t know what we have experienced in life which has made us do what we did today. Is it not the same with others too? Understand that they too have paid the price all through their life to reach the destination they are in today. 

Criticizing is one of the best entertainments that humans enjoy in a seamless manner. Human mind enjoys listening to gossip. Humans love to backbite. When we gossip and back bite we still remain humans but with an inhumane approach.

Every human being is fighting his own battles in life. It is improper to criticize someone with the very limited knowledge we have about them or the situations they are in. Remember, we criticize someone because they are doing something. In the same wavelength, we criticize someone because we have nothing else to do.

Creating something that others criticize is better than criticizing others who are involved in creating something. The former helps us to evolve. The latter pushes us into the gutter. It is our choice to evolve, learning from our mistakes or to remain immersed in the gutter blaming others.